Kolvir Star

(Letter to the editor)

The woes of SIN. Loving, enjoyable SIN. What man or woman has not SINNED? I covet that extra piece of pie. Steal that toy from your younger brother. Long for a song in the middle of the night.  In this, was have all SINNED.

Then what is SIN in reality. Is it the failing of the mind? The corruption of the heart or just a want you are not afraid to indulge? Dearest, loving, prideful Rilga, are you free of SIN? Do you not covet you neighbour’s…pie? Is it lurking in your dark reaches of your heart? We all see it in those who spread your twisted words. Men, they are all men? What is this? Does the most SINLESS woman in the world desire more than her pigs and sheep? Does she stare at men’s apparel?

Ah, pants. Things men wear and the object of many a women’s desire. Eyes dart here and there to gain a peek of an expandable bulge. Such SIN. SIN, SIN, SIN.

Now, honest conjecture. Can one so pious not be affected by SIN? Does not the pig farmer Rilga stare longingly at a well rounded crotch? Does she not covet her neighbours…jewels? I dare say innocence does not become the harlot of Amber. Did she not undertake the most SINFUL act of seducing our most royal King Oberon while he enjoyed the most honourable state of marriage?  SINFUL indeed.

Not only does she SIN in a most heinous manner, she drives our most righteous king from the bed of his loving and beautiful wife. Alas the most pious and righteous Rilga is a skilled practitioner of the ORIGINAL SIN.

I dare say, if original SIN is inherited, Rilga has much to answer for. Plucking the fertility of the king to gain a chair, SINFUL. To drive away the most lawful wife of the king…how SINFUL. This most pious and fervent follower of the most Holy Unicorn is herself no more than a common whore living a life of SIN.

Low and behold, she gave birth to SIN. She had a child out of wedlock.  She has a bastard. Such a foul and SINFUL act. Yet her SIN is far reaching.  Did she conspire to make her SINFUL spawn, legitimate?

Has the most pious Rilga added to her rancorous SIN? An interesting question? In her righteous name has she not pushed the product of SIN to do more SIN. Is Relga behind her bastard son’s campaign against the most royal family of Amber? Her bastard Caine is but a puppet of a SINFUL desire to place a flower pot on her head. Then will she indulge her SIN in a manner what makes Eric looks like an altar boy.

If you are truly pious, you will turn yourself into an asylum and have that pea brain of yours examined, most SINFUL Relga. You embody SIN. You gave birth to SIN. You are living SIN.

I for one admit my SIN. I covet the desires of the body and a lust for the good life. In that I am free of SIN. I admit my SIN. Rilga. is it not SINFUL in itself to lie? You are the most foul liar Rilga. Your words are filled with SIN. Repent and be free of the original SIN that is your black heart.

Erik, Protector of Welksham and Reies.

 

Rebuttal to recent Letter to the Editor (see entry below)

In the interest of fairness in reporting the news, here is a rebuttal to a recent letter published:

“Another bastard son of a bastard son of a chaos Helgram devil has the nerve to speak blasphemy,” Begins Queen Rilga at her local pulpit at Desmondtown in eastern Amber, “And the false prophet Tone arrives to try to dare lecture me. Who do these puppies think they are?”

“Let me see, after a quick look around, we see this Erik, one of Geran’s hundred odd bastard sons when he was rutting sinfully around Amber Castle, is a failed musician and a professional gigalo. He is sinful by his actions and by his blood. He certainly will burn in everlasting fire after not being saved by the grace of the Holy Unicorn.”

“My loyal followers took on sin by talking to the false prophet Tone who lectured him with his falsehoods and his crying of demon rights. He continues to persecute the loyal followers of the church and refuses to hand over the Church for reforming. He is more interested in protecting the Chaos demon Theobald and his Hendrake relatives.”

“Erik on the other hand is a drunken lout who chases skirt and carries on with wild debauched parties. What we heard is the drunken bleating of an unrepentant spoiled brat who should be spanked with a hairbrush and made to do penance for a couple centuries for his sins. We know about him dancing and drinking. We know about how he is whoring out his mother to advance his position in the Court of Amber. ”

“If sinners like Tone and Erik denounce and oppose me, then I know I am doing the Unicorn’s Holy Work and dream of the day we can drive out sin and demons and heresy from Amber by fire and sword!”

LETTER TO THE EDITOR CONCERNING CERTAIN POLITICAL AND RELIGIOUS VIEWS

One has to wonder where some people get their facts. Thin books? Gossip? Their vast intellect?

The point at hand is recent comments by a bunch of right wing nutcases claiming supremacy over the Holy Church of the most beloved Unicorn. The chef nutbag, her holy roller, ‘oh hear me roar’, self righteous, self proclaimed noble of peasant birth, Rilga needs to shake her head. With her psychotic rants bordering on megalomania coupled with schizophrenia she is but a laughing stock.  Now, you addle minded cow herder hearken to a quick history lesson.

Many years ago in a place far, far away, a little dwarf of a man had an idea. The product of his toil was Amber. Now, let’s not jump ahead you little, king stealing hussy, the tale has just begun. Sit your fat as down in the mud and listen.

During the dwarves moment of ecstasy he came across Maud , future play thing and wife. Together, they wedded and bedded and at some point, low and behold, Amber was born. The baby was pretty and adorable and it was not Chaos. While consumed by the throws of passion the dwarf conspired to give his new baby a population. Using the stock on hand, aka the people of Chaos, the dwarf altered them to become the vastly superior Amberites.

Now, you self indulgent, harlot…yes you Rilga…listen closely. Amberites are originally of Chaos. Chaos is the native home of guess what….demons. That means, all Amberites are in fact demons of another colour…and yes…that means YOU!!!!!

So tug your horns dear peasant Rilga and bow down to your royal betters. Shut that festering gob of yours like the good little, sluttish demon you are and tow the line. A royal bed does not make a swine royal, just a concubine with benefits.

The Church of the Holy Unicorn is in fine hands without some heretic, sub demon rocking the boat. If you do to like it, crawl back into that place you call home…was it not a pig farm.

Erik, Protector Welksham and Reies

Political Cartoon pasted to several posts and gates in Amber City

ROUGH JUSTICE IN AMBER CASTLE

No sooner is our beloved King out fighting the good fight in deepest Shadow than a crop of little Napoleons appear in the castle! Servants are said to be quaking in their boots as Prince (anti-) Hiro stalks about chopping off heads like Lewis Carrolls’ Queen of Hearts.

An insider reports: “I’ve never seen such a bloodbath since Princess Bathory sought a new beauty treatment. I don’t know how I’m going to get the stains out of the carpet.”

 

STRANGE THINGS OUT OF ARDEN

Fell beasts are said to be stealing peasants and livestock along the banks of the Trent and Oise. As an example to these creatures, our loyal rangers have been impaling any of these creatures they find and setting them aflame, sending a dark pall of smoke across the valley. When interviewed, a local commented: “I’m glad someones finally taking notice. ‘Ere – that smell doesn’t alf make me ‘ungry. Got any sausages?”

 

FLOWERBEDS DECIMATED ACROSS CITY

The city watch is on the lookout for a green-fingered thief who has been stealing not just the odd bloom but entire flowerbeds from the gardens of the most wealthy and respected horticulturalists in Amber. “We’re looking for a budding serial shrub-nicker,” sources suggested. “He might think he’s blooming clever, but who daisy think he is?”

NEW CITY CREST AND MOTTO UNVEILED

All across the city have gone up posters emblazoned with the new City Crest, and motto, by order of Mayor Prince Ian Hawke.

THE KING IS DEAD LONG LIVE THE….

Strange things occured this past night…reports this morning give this account:

Clouds around Amber became brighter even though it is in the middle of the night… 3 am… hour of the wolf

The largest and the brightest of them swirled around and around like a cyclonic nightmare.  Forms tossed back and forth before settling… Soon an outline appeared in the sky

The face is that of a younger, more attractive Oberon… in colour appears… eyes green, hair red, skin pale

When his voice came down to each person, it is at a conversational level, not a thunderous boom

“I send you a message. People of all lands, creatures to ugly to live, or too beautiful to appreciate. Chaos Lords, Demon Serfs, Wild Demons, Shadow dwellers, My loyal servants in Barrimanways,    Dworkinways, Oberonways, my Imperial subjects in the Golden Circle, my royal subjects in Amber, my staff in Amber Castle and other -unsold- royal residences.

….And my family. including my father, Prince Dworkin of House Barriman, Queen Maud of Kolvir. My relatives in Chaos, my living exwives. Some of you can go jump into the abyss, you money sucking    hags and finally my lawyers and my children.

My lawyers advise that this testament is only effective on known children and their issue to the date of my death. If you find out you are my descendant after this date. Too bad, so sad. You aren’t    getting a penny from my estate. Wah..”

“Before undertaking to repair the pattern, by the time you receive this, I will have already have succeeded or you will be bowing to King Swayville of Chaos,”

“Then again my daughter is in bed with him right now as his wife. I hope he takes care of his two stepsons.”

“It will precede the wave of Chaos that will be released when I give up the ghost. Part of what is eating me is the lack of energy to hold back the costs of repairing the patterh.”

His green eyes sweep across the cosmos

“Rejoice or mourn as you would. For this is the beginning or the end. I sent a Jewel of Judgement to Corwin but I understand he and Brand fought over it and Caine shot it into the Abyss. You may need to obtain the other one if it cannot be rescued from the Abyss.”

“Caine is disinherited – I want to have my children sleep in their beds or make dramatic soliloquy without being stabbed or shot with silver crossbow bolts. Caine sold Amber out to another enemy, not just his rapacious fanatical mother but something deeper and darker and more horrible. Worse than eating at the Jesbies.”

Caine is banished from the entire land of Amber and the Golden Circle and is outlawed for the rest of his life. If a king successor lifts it, more fool he. Caine will probably stab him in his bed. Serves him right for being such a bloody fool.”

“I have charged Corwin to bear it to the place of conflict. I understand between he and Brand it succeeded. All of your efforts will be as nothing if the coming wave of Chaos cannot be averted. With the jewel, or a jewel, you can prevail and preserve the Kingdom until it passes.”

“With my passing. The problem with the succession will be according to the Charter. The most ancient charter of the Kingdom of Amber. You will have the responsibility if my mother and father abdicate their responsibilities.”

“I had wishes in this regard. I see in this regard they were futile. Therefore I have no choice but to leave this on the horn of the Unicorn or Dad’s two horns.”

“My Children, I cannot say that I am entirely pleased with you. In fact I am rather pissed when I think of how you conducted yourselves in the last century. Dara is right. I should have drowned the lot of you and raised a litter of puppies instead.”

“I suppose this works both ways. Let it be. I will leave you with my blessings which is more than a formality. goodbye and good riddance.”

“Fiona! I said let it be. Go bitch to your daughter and tell her to not bet Geran’s castle on a roulette wheel.”

Now each of you…

Finndo. You are still disinherited. Get a life – your kids are not recognized as princes and not eligible to walk the pattern. Loser.”

Osric – Grow a pair. You are also disinherited. Your mace is still a girly weapon. Your kids are also cut off. Second Class loser.”

“Benedict – You would be king if you had any really courage. But at least you had the cowardice to not buck me. Your kids and you are still princes though you are morganastic for succession purposes.    Sorry Dara.

Thank you for defending Amber and my military interests. My will will look after you. You are also now High King of Avalon and Lorraine and Master of the Black Road. You are entitled to all dues and tolls for its use and its defence.

Eric- Is dead. I am glad. I would have kicked his ass from here to the Black Road and back for blinding his brother. Who the hell said you could crown yourself king? You dead little shit”

Corwin – I recognize Parys and our alliance. I am still majorly pissed for not being the successor I wanted you to be. Yes, I do not know where you are. Then again it took you ten years to look for me when the redheads betrayed me to their Chaos relatives.  You keep all your lands in Amber including your massive southern holdings. Don’t let Amber fall into civil war. Lorraine is a slut and I am    glad I killed her. She was as bad as that whore with Gerard. Yes, I enjoyed being Ganelon. I still cannot believe how gormless you were to not figure out it was me. I was dropping hints as big as Julian’s horseturds. You should marry Dara and make her Queen of something for the peace and stability of Creation.”

Deirdre, silly girl. You should stop being so innocent. Everyone but Corwin knows what’s going on? Have you told Gregor who his father is yet?  Plotting with Brand and Corwin was a clever move but you know now there are two patterns under Regencies while Corwin and Brand are both out of action. Watch out for Caine. He’s still mad you are alive. You know too much.

Brand, you are a dunce. I am glad you are in the vegetable crisper because I am very pissed at you. I am glad your wife runs your power because you would have f*cked it up already. Berlin mixed with Amber never looks good. Who the hell designed that city? Albert Speer on LSD? I am sorry I used you but you are so predictable. Martin… jeeze, and you botched the job. I am sure Dad (Dworkin’s) still bitching about the pattern smelling of Martin’s fishy stink. Couldn’t you bathe him before ritually trying to gut him. That room of yours in the palace is a disgrace. I would show it to everyone but Geran and Jorrah would be having a complex.  At least your kids are still smarter than you.  You supposed to help Dworkin upgrade the pattern, not make your own and give Corwin the idea to do it. At    least you married someone with some rank and class. Not like Gerard’s doxy who I still refuse to allow him to marry. Brand, you make me sick. Then again Fiona did lock you up. Then again you,    Bleys and Fiona betrayed me to your Helgram relatives for a pile of gold and started Eric on his meglomania. You are still a loser.

Bleys, you had it all…. but you let Fiona the nutjob and Brand the nutjob lure you in with your own ambition. You can fool everyone but me. I still know you sleep with your stuffed rabbit and suck your thumb. You are a fool. You did not have enough troops to fight Eric, even with Corwin. You still think they are going to throw the city walls open to you with Eric in charge. This time you have half a chance. Get in there before I die and throw a parade or something entertaining. I even put your son in charge of the city. You don’t even need Corwin to help you. Don’t f*ck it up this time… Bonus, Eric is deader than Dara’s humility.

“Fiona… Jeeze lose those F*cken parrots and get a man. Then again the last time you had sex, you had those losers. Eric did us a big favour in thinning that crop of nutcases. They made you look sane. Forget what I said. Get more parrots. Get your daughter a casino with an open line of credit. Get Geran a mountain of aspirins if you are spending any time there. I’d rip you a new one for your treason but I guess I should pardon you and Bleys and Brand for your crimes committed before my death. Actually everyone but Caine is pardoned. Even Julian for what he did with Morgnestern as a boy.”